


Please, Let Me Sleep

by tattsun_senpai



Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: ...I guess?, Angst, Emotional Manipulation, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, POV Second Person, Past Abuse, Stockholm Syndrome, Suicide Attempt, Tatsumi was awful to HiMERU in the past, Victim Blaming, he's trying to be better now but...
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:08:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25170643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tattsun_senpai/pseuds/tattsun_senpai
Summary: You treated me less than human; ripping off my limbs one by one as you watch me struggle and squirm helplessly. You tore off my wings, making me stick to the ground to depend on you like the pathetic vermin I am. You blamed me for everything horrible in my life, and maybe I should be mad at you for it all.But I’m not.Everyone hated me for a reason, so you were just putting me in my place.
Relationships: Kazehaya Tatsumi & OG HiMERU (Ensemble Stars!)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20





	Please, Let Me Sleep

**Author's Note:**

> Okay okay okay so. There’s gonna be a lot going on here.  
> First I would like to give off a huge trigger warning for topics such as suicide ideation and referenced attempt, self-harm, mentions of bullying, emotional manipulation, and victim-blaming. This fic covers some rather dark topics, and I do not wish to portray them in any sort of positive light.
> 
> This fic came from an idea talked about with friends, theorizing things about what Tatsumi did to ruin the original HiMERU’s life. Considering all we know about the original HiMERU is that he is rather naive and "sick mentally", I think it would be likely for him to fall victim to some sort of abuse and maybe even blame himself for what has happened.  
> Tatsumi was also not as kind of a person in the past, so I think him doing these hurtful things ー whether it be intentional or not ー would be at least somewhat likely.
> 
> To my knowledge, nothing here is confirmed or canon, it’s simply based on theories and ideas my friends and I have had about the situation. The writing of HiMERU is also based on many personal headcanons.
> 
> Remember, please proceed with caution (or don’t proceed at all) if the topics listed earlier may be triggering to you. You’re free to click off any moment if you’re ever uncomfortable. Please take care of yourselves, everyone. I love you all so much.

The last thing you had expected to hear the moment you wake up was the sound of his voice.

You were alive; _breathing;_ and felt something new suffocate both your arms. You pulled them out from under the blanket you were so delicately wrapped in, seeing bandages covering the wounds you had endlessly given yourself the night prior.

You were alive.

Why were you alive?

The feeling of these bandages ripped at your skin. The texture was all wrong, and you wanted to do nothing more than tear them off and hope your scars would reopen. Maybe then you’d bleed on the floor, and finally have done something right.

“ _HiMERU-san_ ,” you heard that same voice call out to you. It was familiar; _hauntingly_ so. You turned to look at the source of the noise, only to see the person you had loved more than anyone to greet your awakening. 

The sight of his face only made you want to cry, realizing how horridly you had messed everything up. You couldn’t even catch a glance of his expression, knowing it’d be nothing but disappointment with how you performed.

“HiMERU is sorry,” was all you could mutter out, rubbing the bandages on your right arm. You pushed a bit of pressure down on the covered wounds, hoping maybe it would result in _something_. You didn’t even know what, you just knew you wanted something good to happen.

The angel in your room couldn’t smile as he always did whenever you apologized for your faults. He couldn’t laugh at you, or even himself. The air was tense, and the lack of white noise was suffocating. You had just hoped he would say something ー _anything ー_ to break this silence.

“HiMERU-san, I’m sorry, Iー”

“HiMERU is sorry,” you interrupted him, just to apologize once more. His apologies were meaningless. You just needed to let everything out, but you knew he probably didn’t care to hear any of it. Or if he did, he’d only use it to rightfully mock you.

**_“You got yourself beaten up in class again? I’m truly sorry, HiMERU-san. But maybe you should learn how to stand up for yourself more, you know? They pick on you because you’re such an easy target. You’re like a vulnerable little bug the world loves to step all over.”_ **

“HiMERU is sorry,” you could only repeat. “HiMERU is sorry he’s so weak,” your voice shook with every word you spoke, your heart sinking in agony remembering every syllable the holy man at your side had told you in the past.

**_“If you wanted my honest opinion, HiMERU-san, I don’t quite know how you’re still alive. It’s strange. Is there anything happy in your life? Is there anything you actually have to live for? This world wants you dead. It treats you as nothing more than a grotesque play-thing. What joy do you feel living in this life?”_ **

“HiMERU is sorry,” tears started to prick your eyes. “HiMERU is sorry he can’t even die correctly.” The other man looked as though he wanted to speak up; that he wanted to say anything to get you to stop, but you kept going. No matter how many times he would call your name, you ignored him.

**_“What are you doing littering your body with such scars? They’re not even that pretty to look at, either… Quite the eyesore, honestly. Ah, but I’m just thinking aloud, aren’t I? I don’t quite understand you, HiMERU-san. But here, I’ll bandage you up, okay?”_ **

“HiMERU is sorry,” your vision began to blur as tears rolled down your cheeks. They were hot, and though they irritated your skin, you couldn’t bring yourself to wipe them away. “HiMERU is sorry he makes everyone clean his messes…”

**_“Can you let go of me now, HiMERU-san? I’m honored you want to spend so much time with me, but you can’t stay by my side all day, you know? I have to go to class. I think you should learn how to be more independent. I’m sure your brother would appreciate the time for himself, as well.”_ **

“HiMERU is sorry…” your voice cracked, and suddenly the few tears turned into a waterfall. You looked like a mess, truly reflective of how horrible you were on the inside. You didn’t wipe any of it away, and even when the other man rushed to get a box of tissues, you didn’t bother taking them.

“HiMERU is so, so sorry he’s such a burden… HiMERU is so sorry he’s such a useless, disgusting creature who can’t do anything right…” You felt so gross as you continued to sob. You felt something drip out of your nose, and that was when you truly felt repulsive. You covered your face, hoping to not upset the holy being in the room anymore than he probably was.

**_“Sometimes I just wonder what’s going on inside your head. I think you’re overreacting a bit, fufu~”_ **

“What’s wrong with HiMERU, Tatsumi? If the world wants HiMERU dead, then why can’t HiMERU die?” Everything felt like it was coming up. Walls were closing in, and you couldn’t bring yourself to look at the only friend you’d ever had in life besides your twin. You wanted to throw up from pure guilt and anxiety, but you had to hold yourself back if you wanted to stop being any more of a bother.

“Kana-chan wants HiMERU dead… Tatsumi wants HiMERU dead… HiMERU wants HiMERU dead… so why? Why does this world hate HiMERU so much, but he can’t even die?”

**_“_ _You’re like”_ _squish, “a vulnerable little bug” squish_ _, “the world loves to step all over.”_ **

The sight of the only person you had ever loved more than a friend mercilessly stomping on a bug on the side of the road echoed in your mind. It stung your heart more than any wasp could. His usually pleasant, adoring smile was laced in venom as it pierced your very soul, acting as though nothing happened.

“HiMERU-san,” he called out once more, and though he couldn’t snap you out of your breakdown, you gave him the room to finally speak. He took a breath, stabilizing himself as well. He wasn’t crying. He could never cry. He was far too holy to express such pathetic human emotions. But he still didn’t look completely together.

“Listen to me: No matter how many times I say sorry, it’d never be enough for what I have done. But I’m sorry for everything, HiMERU-san…” His voice was serious, and it scared you to hear him use such a tone. Was he mad? Was he assertive? You couldn’t tell. Maybe he was being both. 

“You don’t need to believe me ー I don’t expect you to, but I know Kaname-san and I both don’t want you to die. Maybe the world doesn’t seem like it loves you, but I know your brother does. And I do too.” He took a short pause, reflecting on the words he had just spoken. It was the first time you had ever heard him say ‘sorry’, and yet you weren’t sure how honestly you could take it.

“You can hate me as much as you want, okay? But know that if there’s anything wrong with anyone here, it’s me. I drove you to this point, didn’t I? And I think that is a sin worse than anything you may have thought you’ve done.” You couldn’t tell if he was being genuine. What reason did he have to apologize for?

“...Tatsumi didn’t do anything wrong,” the words hoarsely escaped your throat as you tried letting the man know that nothing was his fault. “Tatsumi only did what everyone else was doing. HiMERU deserves to die. HiMERU deserves to be called out for being so selfish.” You gave your best attempt to let out a chuckle, but it was pathetic and laughable with how it sounded.

“Tatsumi… HiMERU wants to go back to sleep… so he’d like to be alone. But can HiMERU ask Tatsumi something, first?” You just wanted to be on your own. The last thing you wanted was to disrupt the peaceful lives of any more people who didn’t deserve it. The teal-haired man nodded silently, showing an understanding. Even if he didn’t seem willing to go without a few more words, he also knew that it’d be best to do as you said to avoid upsetting you anymore.

“Tatsumi… next time HiMERU tries this, can you and Kana-chan just let him die?”

**Author's Note:**

> Know that no matter how much your abuser may apologize or try to do to make things up to you, you don't ever have to forgive them if that's not what you feel comfortable with. It doesn't matter if they change or how much they change, you shouldn't be expected to forgive them if you're not ready to. You are never responsible for the abuse you face, no matter how much victim-blaming you may experience.
> 
> Please, please take care of yourselves. Reach out for help to get out of these sorts of situations if you find yourself stuck in them. I know it can be terrifying, especially if the abuser in question makes any sort of threats to keep you by their side. 
> 
> I myself cannot offer much of any help, but if you or someone you know is stuck in some sort of abusive relationship I'll give you all the support I can. I love you all so much, and please do whatever you can to keep yourself alive and happy. I’m sorry I can’t offer much, but still know I love and care for you. And no matter what people may tell you, you never deserve to die ー especially if all you're doing is being yourself.
> 
> twt is @HiMERU_reimei


End file.
